As parents, we pour our love, time, and energy into raising our children. We watch them grow, take their first steps, and one day, they spread their wings and leave the nest.
While this is an exciting and proud moment, it can also leave us parents feeling a sense of loss, sadness, loneliness and mourning over the end of a defining chapter of our lives.
Suddenly, the house that was once filled with laughter and chaos becomes quiet and empty. It's a time of massive transition, but it's also an opportunity for us to reinvent ourselves and find new purpose in midlife.
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Who is Dr. Angela Caveney?
Unless you're one of this blog's subscribers, you are probably wondering who this Angela Caveney character is and why you should listen to anything she has to say.
Let's fix that...
I'm Dr. Angela Caveney. I'm a Clinical Psychologist, Neuropsychologist and the Founder of The Trybe Women's Social Club.
As a Psychologist, I teach people how to make friends and deepen their relationships. I often semi-seriously refer to myself as a professional friendship matchmaker and mentor.
As the leader of The Trybe, I've become an expert at planning activities and events that bring people together in community.
As the author of the Midlife Reimagined Blog, I also write about other popular midlife topics such as finding your personal core values, empty nesting, reinventing yourself and finding purpose.
Ok. With that taken care of... Shall we get down to it?
What Exactly is Empty Nest Syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome refers to feelings of sadness, loss, and emptiness that most parents experience when a child leaves home for the first time. (These feelings commonly arise after any child leaves, however, is particularly acute after the last child departs the "nest".)
At this time, the parental role we've played for so many years suddenly changes, and we may feel a profound sense of loss and uncertainty about our purpose moving forward.
It's important to state that the term "empty nest" isn't actually a clinical term or a psychological diagnosis. Rather, it's a common term used to conceptualize a normal period of adjustment and mourning related to a natural and very significant life transition.
In other words...a bit of empty nest syndrome is a sign that we're healthy humans who care deeply about our children.
At its extremes though, empty nest syndrome can be severe and overwhelming, potentially lasting a few months or even longer.
Whereas the temporary experience of mild to moderate empty nest syndrome is perfectly normal and healthy, there are groups of parents who are particularly susceptible to more severe forms because their own identity may be more intertwined with that of their child.
Parents at the greatest risk of severe empty nest syndrome are single parents, those who do not work outside the home, parents who are overly involved in their children's lives, and those in unhappy marriages.
Parents concurrently facing other significant life transitions - such as menopause, the loss of a parent, or career changes - are also at a heightened risk of experiencing severe empty nest syndrome. This is particularly true for those who find it challenging to cope with change and transition in general (e.g., parents who tearfully followed the kindergarten bus).
Common Signs and Symptoms of Empty Nest Syndrome
The signs and symptoms of empty nest syndrome often mimic those of clinical depression and can vary widely in intensity from one person to the next.
Here are some common signs of empty nest syndrome:
Persistent feelings of sadness
A common question I am asked is, "How long does empty nest syndrome last?"
Nearly all parents report increases in feelings of sadness for the first few weeks after becoming an empty nester. This is perfectly normal (actually a lack of sadness would be more indicative of a problem), however, if the sadness is particularly severe or if these symptoms persist for more than a few months, this is more of a concern and may require professional intervention.
Loss of purpose or Identity
Once their children become independent, many parent struggles with thoughts of "who am I now?" and "what am I supposed to do now?" At extremes, parents sometimes express that they think that their lives are "over" now that their role as a parent has transitioned to a new stage. These thoughts are most common in parents who were previously heavily involved in their children's everyday lives and whose self identity has been tightly bound to being a parent.
Anxiety and excessive worry
Many parents suffering with empty nest syndrome worry excessively about the safety of their children. Symptoms of this include checking in with them frequently through phone calls and texts and and tracking their location.
(It's difficult, but try not to do this. Remind yourself that each check in sends a message to your adult child that you do not believe that they are competent to handle things on their own. If they internalize this message, their development into a healthy young adult will be delayed and they'll move back into your basement. lol)
Frustration over lack of control
This is one of the hardest things for most parents of young adults. I've heard many parents say that parenting 18-22 year olds is actually psychologically harder than parenting teenagers.
This makes sense if you think about it.
For their entire lives, you've had a great deal of control over your child, but in a flash...that has all changed. Not only do you no longer have a say in what they're doing, you also won't know as many (or any) of the details.
(As hard as it is, resist the urge to push to become over involved. Remember that you have taught them what they need to know. Now it is time for you to show them that you have confidence in their ability to make decisions for themselves. Let them make mistakes. It can be difficult not to intervene, but it's important that your child learns that making mistakes is not only "ok", but is actually necessary for growth.)
Sleep and appetite changes
Many parents (including those who don't overtly feel particularly sad) struggle with changes in patterns of behavior such as new onset insomnia and increases or decreases in appetite.
These symptoms are most likely temporary signs of normal grieving, so long as they do not persist beyond a few weeks and are not severe enough to cause impairments in daily functioning.
All the "feels"
Feelings of relief, excitement, guilt and regret are also very common and, to make things extra fun, are often cycling rapidly. At this same time, many parents also start to feel anxiety about aging.
Remind yourself that this is a time of HUGE transition and all of these emotions are normal (again, unless they are particularly persistent or severe).
The Impact of Empty Nest Syndrome on Adult Children
Sometimes we get so caught up in our own emotions that we forget about the other side of the coin. As much as being empty nesters affects us parents, it can also have a significant impact on our children as they embark upon their new lives.
Here are some common ways in which our adult children may be affected by our experience of empty nest syndrome:
Feeling guilty
Our children may feel guilty for leaving us alone and that they are causing us feelings of sadness and loss.
Feeling pressure to succeed
Many of us unintentionally put a great deal of pressure on our children to succeed in order to fill the void that their absence has created within us.
Feeling worried about and responsible for their parents' happiness
In more extreme cases, some children may feel very worried about a parent's psychological well being and may even feel a sense of responsibility for making sure we are happy and fulfilled in this new phase of our lives.
Feeling conflicted about independence
Adult children whose parents remain highly involved in their lives may struggle with feelings of lack of self efficacy, and have conflicting emotions about their newfound independence vs their parent's desire to maintain an overly close relationship.
Feeling overwhelmed by parental expectations
Parents experiencing empty nest syndrome sometimes have expectations for their children's lives that may not align with their child's goals and aspirations, causing tension and strain in the parent-child relationship.
5 Tips for Coping with Empty Nest Syndrome
Focusing back on us again now, there are many effective ways that we can cope with empty nest syndrome. Below I list my top 5 tips.
1. Strengthen Your Relationships
Being that I'm a Clinical Psychologist who founded The Trybe Women's Social Club, it's probably no surprise to you that my top tip involves strengthening interpersonal relationships.
Hands down, solid, healthy (i.e., "green flag") relationships are the number one thing that will bring us all through this phase of life more quickly, painlessly and generally unscathed.
Connect with friends
Whether it's strengthening existing relationships or forming new ones, there's absolutely no doubt that friends make life better. Full stop.
If you're finding it hard to make friends as an adult, you're in very good company. Feelings of loneliness have become increasingly common in recent years. According to a 2020 study by Cigna, 61% of Americans reported feeling lonely.
Currently, over 74,000 people per month use Google to search the phrase "how to make friends" - and nearly 1100 people per month search for the exact (very specific) phrases of "empty nester with no friends" and "midlife woman with no friends".
In my article, Why Making Friends in Midlife is So Hard, I go into detail regarding some of the reasons why this is true for so many of us as well as provide some additional tips on how to make friends in midlife.
I also explore this topic in my articles about how to make friends if you have moved to a new city, identify as a social introvert or are looking for a new less toxic friend group.
Reconnect with your partner
It's so easy, as we get caught up in the busyness of raising children, to neglect our most intimate relationships.
It has become cliche, but it is true that raising children often creates emotional distance in romantic relationships such that once the kids are gone, too many of us look at our partners and think, "I don't know you anymore".
Luckily, with more free time and less distractions, the empty nest phase is the perfect opportunity to reconnect with our partners, start dating again, and remember why we fell in love in the first place.
Empty nesting is also the perfect time for couples to think about what's next for their relationship. When working with couples, I encourage them to not only assess and discuss their individual personal core values, but also their core values for the relationship itself.
Redefine your relationships with your adult children
As parents, our responsibility has always been, and will always continue to be, to ensure that our children feel loved, valued, and confident. The "job" of the child is to grow into an adult. We need to give them the space they need to be able to do this.
Don't be surprised or upset if your child doesn't want to talk to you as often or to give you as much detailed information as in the past. This is completely normal and a sign of healthy psychological development.
Open communication and understanding is, of course, very important. However, whereas we should all be open and honest about how we're feeling, we need to be careful about over communicating our negative feelings, keeping in mind that this should be an exciting time of life, full of possibilities and growth for our children (as well as us).
I love the saying, "it's better to be valued than needed." The goal at this stage of life is to begin to develop a different and more mature relationship with our grown children - one that respects their autonomy while still offering guidance when truly needed (and wanted).
2. Rediscover your passions and interests
As a Clinical Psychologist, one of the most common question I am asked by brand new empty nesters is, "What do I do with all this time?" Many parents struggle to fill the void that their children have left behind and the busy, daily routines have ceased.
The fact is that there's no better stage of life to exploring new career options, interesting new hobbies and bucket list adventures. (These are also great ways to connect with others who share similar interests.)
If you're feeling like you've put off work and your own interests for so long that you don't even know where to begin, my advice is not to not worry to much about finding the "right" things to do.
Rather, just start with something that sounds interesting and see where that leads.
Make a conscious effort to try new things and step out of your comfort zone. You'll undoubtedly discover hidden talents or passions that you never knew existed.
3. Focus on self-reflection
Whereas it's always important, self-reflection about our lives, accomplishments and future goals is absolutely essential during the empty nest phase. This time of introspection can lead to a great deal of joy through personal growth and self-discovery. (Be aware of and ready for automatic negative thoughts that might stand in your way.)
Reflection "looks" different for everyone. I love journaling, meditation and going for long walks. My husband prefers to do his "deep thinking" as he's out running trails or enjoying a coffee on our back patio listening to the birds. The method you choose is unimportant as long as it helps you feel grounded and helps you evaluate both what makes you happy and what changes you want to make in your life.
(You may find these quotes about empty nesting will help you with getting started with reflecting on this time in your life.)
4. Set new goals and aspirations
As you take time to reflect, be sure to also take the next step of actively setting new goals and creating a road map for this next phase of your life. You now have the time and freedom to direct your energy toward interesting new challenges. This time is a gift. Take advantage of it!
(New interests, and potentially grandkids, will come along soon enough to fill that time, so grab this opportunity while you have the chance!)
Perhaps you've always wanted to start a small business, return to school, travel (solo?) to new places, or devote more time to a cause you're passionate about. Be bold and ambitious in setting your goals.
Focus not on filling the void left by your children, but about creating a life that's satisfying and meaningful to you.
As you begin to work on these new goals, be patient with yourself. The changes in your life won't happen overnight. Progress can often be gradual, and there may be times when you feel like you're not moving forward as quickly as you'd like.
5. Seek support and guidance during this transitional period
If you find that your feelings of emptiness continue for longer than three months OR are impacting your ability to function in your daily life, it may be time to seek professional help.
Even if you are not experiencing true clinical depression, a mental health professional can help you work through the emotional challenges of empty nest syndrome and provide you with tools and coping strategies to manage your symptoms. Therapists and coaches can also provide you with guidance on how to deal with the changes in your relationships with your children and partner.
Final Thoughts
Empty nest syndrome refers to a cluster of symptoms that most parents experience when a child moves from the family home and embarks upon independent life.
Empty nesting is a time of enormous transition that can be both challenging and liberating. It is an opportunity for us parents to find or rediscover our purpose, reinvent ourselves, and begin to develop more mature relationships with our adult children.
In the astute words of Psychologist, Dr. Carl Jung, "The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents."
Let's get to living!
About the Author
Angela Caveney, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist, Neuropsychologist and Founder of The Trybe. Her absolute favorite thing to do is to help women find their people and thrive throughout midlife. She can be reached directly at angela@the-trybe.com
(*Note. If The Trybe Women's Social Club is not in your location, reach out to Angela Caveney to start a conversation about creating a club where you live. Even if you don't know a single person in your new city, don't worry! This is a great way to start to meet new people fast.)
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