Making friends can be challenging at any age, but it becomes especially tough in midlife. On top of this, in our fast-paced world, where social media often substitutes for face-to-face interaction, forming genuine connections is increasingly difficult.
As a result, many of us find ourselves questioning how to meet new people or strengthen our existing relationships.
In this guide, drawing from my experience as a Clinical Psychologist (and as a friend), I'll answer the questions I am asked most often about how to make friends as an adult.
Table of Contents
About the Author - Dr. Angela Caveney
Introduction to the Author and Other Resources
Before we dive into this article, I'd like to take just a minute to introduce myself and tell you about additional resources that are available to you.
I'm Dr. Angela Caveney. I'm a Clinical Psychologist, Neuropsychologist and leader of The Trybe Women's Social Club.
Over the past few years, I've been asked about how to find and make friends so many times that I created an affordable digital step-by-step guide and workbook entitled Find Your Tribe! 5 Steps to Making Friends to support people on their friend-making journeys.
If you are looking for more individualized help, I also offer 1:1 friendship mentorship.
If you are looking for an instant friend community, you will definitely want to check out The Trybe Women's Social Club, either the in-person version (if you live near The Woodlands, Texas) or the online version of The Trybe.
If you are simply looking for some basic friend making guidance, just keep reading.
Is It Important to Make Friends as an Adult?
Friendship is a basic human need required for survival
Humans are social creatures who need nurturing relationships to grow and thrive. We need to feel seen, heard and loved. We need to belong. We need to both support and be supported by others. We are happiest, healthiest and at our best when we are in community.
Having a variety of close friends with whom we feel deeply connected has repeatedly been linked to important benefits to our health and even to greater longevity! (See the fascinating "Blue Zones" research for more detail on the importance of community on lifespan.)
Loneliness, on the other hand, brings with it an array of psychological and physical problems including depression, anxiety, obesity, diabetes, heart disease and even fragmented sleep! According to a study by the National Institute on Aging, the health risks of prolonged isolation are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day!
Friends just make life better
Beyond increasing the actual length of our lives, friendships enrich our lives in countless other ways, from improving our mental and physical health to dealing with life transitions, to contributing to our personal growth and career successes.
Whether you are looking for purpose after age 50, wanting to reinvent yourself in your empty nest, or in a different phase of life all together, this article on 31 Ways Friends Make Life Better should convince you to prioritize friendships throughout your journey.
Friends can help slow life down
As a Neuropsychologist, I work primarily with people (many of them new empty nesters) who are concerned about their memory. They say things like "my life seems to be passing by faster and faster", "I can't remember what I did yesterday" and "my days all run together".
When I hear these concerns from clients (and friends for that matter), 99% of the time I am able to reassure them that this is not a sign of dementia (people with dementia rarely are aware of it, let alone complain about it), but rather a symptom of another issue.
This issue is sometimes related to underlying anxiety or depression, but another common cause is that their lives have simply become too routine.
My advice? Get out and try something new!
New friendships, new experiences and learning new things are all important ways to slow life down. Check out my article on this topic for more information and for 12 practical tips to slow life down and help you remember yesterday.
How to Make Friends in Midlife?
If you're finding it hard to make friends as an adult, you're in very good company. Feelings of loneliness have become increasingly common in recent years. According to a 2020 study by Cigna, 61% of Americans reported feeling lonely.
Currently, over 74,000 people per month use Google to search the phrase "how to make friends" - and nearly 1100 people per month search for the exact (very specific) phrases of "Empty Nester with No Friends" and "Midlife Woman with No Friends". These examples are just to give you an idea of the enormity of this problem as they barely scratch the surface of all of the combinations of similar search terms that are explored each and every day.
In my popular article, aptly named Why Making Friends in Midlife is So Hard, I go into detail regarding some of the reasons why this is true for so many of us as well as provide some additional tips on how to make friends in midlife.
How Do I Find Time to Make New Friends?
This is one of the most common questions I am asked, particularly by local people who have the luxury of The Trybe Women's Social Club resource available to them.
How do I find the time?
My simple answer? You don't "find" time. You make it.
Here are three mindset shifts that will help...
Determine your core friendship values
As a therapist, core personal values are one of my favorite topics because they truly are the key to living a happy and satisfying life filled with purpose.
In my article about discovering and defining your core personal values, I've outlined the exact, step-by-step process I use when helping clients find their core values. (This is also the same process I used to determine my own.)
If you haven't already done this exercise, it truly is worth the time and effort.
Once you've defined your core personal values, I encourage you to take this process a step further and determine your FRIENDSHIP core values.
The questions you are answering are:
"What is important to me in terms of my friendships?"
"What kind of friend do I want to be?"
"How do I want to show up for others?"
Your personal and your friendship core values may overlap or they may be entirely different. For example, your personal core values might be authenticity, achievement and balance, whereas your friendship core values might be adventure, respect and loyalty.
Remember that life is finite
Although the human lifespan is relatively long, if you’re not intentional about how you spend your time, you will feel like life is passing you by very quickly.
I wear a “memento mori” (Remember, you will die) bracelet most days and also have an app that sends me a notification at 9am each day telling me approximately how long I have left to live.
Most people think this is bizarre, morbid and depressing… but, for me, it’s energizing, motivating, helps me view the world in a more purposeful and grateful way.
I encourage you to find your own ways to take a minute each day to remember that your time on this Earth is limited.
Know that you DO have time (for what you prioritize)!
Understand that how you spend your time is under your control and you DO have time for finding new friends and new experiences - if you prioritize these things.
Banish your limiting beliefs and the phrase, “I don’t have time” from your vocabulary. Saying you don't have time is an excuse and it’s actually not true. A more accurate statement than “I don’t have time” is, “that’s not a priority for me right now”.
Simply put, what you are spending your time doing IS what you are prioritizing - whether you are being intentional about it or not.
Is Joining a Social Club a Good Way to Make Friends?
This one could be left as a one word answer.
Yes.
The fastest and easiest way to find friends and fun new activities is to join a social club.
But I'll explain more. Because...well...
I love social clubs.
I love them so much, I started my own: The Trybe Women's Social Club with the specific purpose of addressing the very significant issues of social isolation and loneliness in women in midlife.
Women's social clubs such as The Trybe provide a women shortcut to finding friends and fun because they do a lot of the heavy lifting for you by bringing women together to do a multitude of different activities.
All you have to do is sign up and show up!
For more info on social clubs, check out this article on the benefits of joining a social club and, if you're feeling extra frisky, perhaps even this one on the many benefits of starting a social club.
(If you live in or near The Woodlands, Texas, this article provides quite a bit of detail about the in person version of our social club.)
How Can I Make Friends Online?
Technology provides us with numerous ways to connect with others and, believe it or not, it is actually possible to make genuine friendships online!
There has literally never been a better time in history to find friends with whom we share important values and interests. There are people out there interested in EVERYTHING!
I’m constantly amazed that every time I go online to look up something that I think is "obscure", I find there is an entire subculture of thousands - if not millions - of people who love this exact thing!
After years of hearing "I wish there was a Trybe Women's Social Club where I live!", I created The Trybe Digital where we come together via Zoom to learn new things and share experiences.
There are also some great friendship making app options, two of the most common being Bumble BFF and Meetup. This article from Cosmo reviews some of the most popular friendship apps in detail and provides some additional great options to check out.
How to Make Friends Through Activities and Hobbies?
Few things bond people more swiftly and deeply than a shared passion.
Once you find a social activity or hobby that you enjoy, you'll practically be stumbling over friend opportunities with like-minded people who share similar interests.
Social hobbies
Social hobbies are defined as activities that not only bring you personal enjoyment, but also involve interaction with others. Therefore, they are absolutely PERFECT for making friends!
Social hobbies are particularly important for adults in midlife because they naturally open avenues for new friendships at a time when we are evolving into a new version of ourselves. They bring joy and a sense of achievement, as well as provide a social framework that supports us emotionally and makes us feel less alone.
Check out my articles 50 Best Social Hobbies For Making Friends in Midlife for some great suggestions to get you started.
My articles on empty nest hobbies and interesting hobbies for women in midlife are also packed full of inspiring and social ideas.
Not wanting to leave the guys entirely out (although I've discovered that it's usually the women in their lives who do the searching and "encouraging"), I wrote this article about 75 hobbies for older men.
Adventures and bucket lists
I love adventure and a good bucket list!
Traditionally, creating a bucket list is a great way find purpose as you brainstorm (and then accomplish) all the things you want to do in your life.
Less obvious, however, is that bucket lists are fantastic tools for making new friends as well as deepening relationships with existing friends.
With your bucket list as your guide, you'll meet fascinating people as you take action in your life.
You can even create multiple bucket lists for certain phases or aspects of your life...or even just for a single season. Check out my list of 339 Summer Bucket List Ideas for Adults for inspiration!
How Do I Make Friends If I Move to a New City?
Moving to and making friends in a new city can be overwhelming and isolating, regardless of age. However, building a new social community in mid-life can present even greater challenges.
When we were younger, we had school or work to introduce us to new people when we relocated. As young parents, we found friendship through our children's schools and extra curricular activities.
Now, in midlife, many of us no longer have these common avenues for friendship available to us.
So, how can we break into existing social circles and find our new people in a new city? Although it's not as easy as it once was, the good news is that, with some effort, there are many great ways to start making new connections and get our social lives back on track.
In my article about how to make friends in a new city, I provide 14 valuable tips to help you find and nurture new friendships when you move.
How Do I Make Friends As An Introvert?
Carl Jung, the psychologist who coined the term “introvert”, believed that most people fall somewhere on a spectrum with both introverted and extroverted tendencies to varying degrees. The key difference is where we draw our energy from and how we process the world around us.
Being an introvert isn't a limitation and there is absolutely nothing "wrong" with choosing to have a small circle of friends. If you're content with your friendships, there is no need to make changes.
However, since you're reading this, I'm assuming that you would like to add a few more close friends to your social circle.
Making friends as an adult can be hard for anyone, but it's even more difficult for a solitude-loving introvert. In my article "How to Make Friends as an Introvert", I outline 5 reasons that making friends may be harder for introverts and 9 strategies to help.
Are My Current Friends "Toxic"?
The phrase "Toxic Friends" is very common in pop culture right now.
And perhaps for good reason.
This survey reported that 75% of men and 84% of women report they have had have a toxic friend at some point.
You may be wondering exactly what this means, and whether some of your own friendships could be considered "toxic".
Many of us have at least one particular friend who gives us an unsettled feeling. Perhaps she constantly talks about herself, is extremely jealous and you just feel, well, DRAINED, after you spend time with her.
Is she a "toxic" friend?
In this article about toxic friendships, I outline 11 "red flags", or signs, of a toxic friendship and my top 7 tips regarding how to deal with these relationships.
What Activities Should I Do with Friends?"
When planning activities to do with our friends, many times, we become overly concerned with selecting the "perfect" activity that everyone will enjoy, when the "what" actually matters much less than we think.
In these busy and distracted times, people who make even a small effort to plan structured activities for their friends are becoming increasingly rare.
How often do you hear "we need to get together sometime," only for both parties to fail to follow through?
Because this has become so common, almost anything you plan will likely be appreciated by your friends.
Sure, not all of your friends will be up for skydiving, but with a little consideration for their interests, you almost can't go wrong.
Friend dates
In this fun article, I present 136 different friend date ideas. These range from outrageously adventurous, highly memorable, once-in-a-lifetime experiences to more everyday, budget-friendly, and practical options.
Social events
Attending social events can be a really rewarding way to push yourself out of your comfort zone and into the world of new experiences and friendships.
If the town you live in doesn't offer many social events to choose from, then just create your own!
If you need suggestions, here is a list I created with 78 Social Event Ideas that will more than get you started.
Before you know it, you'll be the person bringing people together to create friendship and memories.
How Exactly Do YOU Make Friends?
As I mentioned above, I have created a digital step-by-step guide and workbook entitled, Find Your Tribe! 5 Steps to Making Friends, to help people make friends as adults.
Summarized, these 5 steps include:
1. Mindset and Preparation
When creating the intention to make new friends, you first need to determine your "friendship WHY", set specific friendship goals, think about your interests and actively looking for ways to meet people with similar interests.
2. Meeting New People
Next, you need to proactively find where "your people" are spending time - and go there. Most often this is done by attending an event or activity, but there are unlimited options, depending on the type of people and friendships you are seeking.
3. Turning an Acquaintance into a New Friend
Finding and meeting people you are interested in is more than half the battle, but next you need to get proactive by reaching out to a potential new friend, setting up a "friend date" and evaluating how it went.
4. Turning a New Friend into a Good Friend
In this section, I provide my top 10 tips for the first 6 months of a new friendship, including LISTENING!!!, showing up, setting boundaries and avoiding negativity.
5. Developing Long-Lasting Friendships
Healthy long-term friendships have a predictable set of characteristics including mutual respect, support and the creation of shared experiences. In this section, I list the top 10 characteristics of friendships that "go the distance".
Final Thoughts
Making and maintaining friendships in midlife can be difficult and require intention and effort, but the rewards are well worth it.
As you embark on your friend-making journey, be patient and kind to yourself. Relationships take time to grow, and it will take some trial and error.
I challenge you to take one small action today to get started. Here are a few suggestions:
Reach out to a friend you haven't talked to in a while.
Attend an activity in your area where you'll meet like-minded people.
Join a social club or a club created for a specific interest (e.g., book club).
Download my eBook Find Your Tribe! 5 Steps to Making Friends to learn my step-by-step friend making process.
If you'd like more support, consider 1:1 friendship mentorship.
About the Author
Angela Caveney, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist, Neuropsychologist and Founder of The Trybe Women's Social Club. Her absolute favorite things to do are to help women find their people, rediscover themselves by stepping out of their comfort zones and thrive throughout midlife. She can be reached directly at angela@the-trybe.com.
Kommentare