Do we even need to define what feeling stuck in a rut feels like?
I think we all feel it deep in our bones sometimes, right?
Whether your rut is showing up in your new junk food 'n wine diet, constant irritation, or an unwillingness to get out of bed before your alarm combusts, life feels like hard work sometimes, doesn't it?
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Am I On My Own Here?
And I don't know about you, but I think feeling stuck in a rut can also feel very personal. Like maybe we're the only ones going through it. Especially when we browse social media and everyone seems to be doing yoga at 5 am, while running a global business and scratch-cooking vegan dishes for their five perfect kids.
Meanwhile, we're shuffling around feeling uninspired, sighing as someone demands something of us AGAIN... staring at the laundry, and wondering whether our hair was always this flat.
Sometimes the hardest thing about feeling stuck in a rut is getting the mental energy to even begin to challenge it. The temptation to just work through the day's demands and crawl back into bed gets so strong.
And the mental fire needed to get physically able to haul out of the rut feels... just so daunting at times.
Well, don't worry. You really, REALLY are not alone. And what's more, this (important) phase is temporary.
You're Not The Only One Feeling Stuck In A Rut
Feeling stuck in a rut is very much a shared human experience; like so many human experiences that bind us, including loneliness, grief, and cycles of change. Feeling in a rut is a product of a full, complex, and very human life.
And it's OK to just notice that you're stuck in a rut and realize that it crept up on you. Maybe that's a dip in your road, or maybe you're mentally two miles down a crater, waiting for a rope, but it's OK. You're not alone and this is normal.
And while you're accepting this, know that you will get out of your rut when you're ready to. Because sitting and resting in it for a while is OK too, especially if you've gone through a period of difficult change, and you're tired.
Understanding Why You Feel Stuck in a Rut... and What to Do Next
Maybe you went through a separation or divorce. Maybe you're suddenly an empty nester and it knocked you flat. Or perhaps you just hit a "big" birthday and realized that life doesn’t look anything like you thought it would by now.
But it's OK. We're here to take a deep breath and consider our next move.
So let's look at some very manageable steps you can use to create that sense of energy, purpose, and find joy again. Let’s get you back up onto your path where the sun's shining, you can see the horizon and you've got the wind in your hair!
1. Accept that you're feeling stuck in a rut. Look it in the eye.
Hey, you know what? You’ve gotten yourself stuck in a rut.
And it's OK.
Yes, you're probably tired too, a little burned out generally, maybe even in need of a solid life reset.
But right now, you're here, in your rut, chilling.
So just accept that, with compassion and a little self-love. You don't need to stay here. But there's also no rush to knee-jerk into big changes. We're going to start small and let the snowball... well, snowball.
2. Notice how you talk to yourself
Yeah, your boss is an idiot.
Your kids really can be difficult.
Don't get me started on your ex.
And absolutely, if you've said it once you've said it.... ohhh a thousand times.
But that's the thing.
The more we repeat negative things to ourselves and to others, the more we create those neural patterns in our brains. Everything we think about and talk about converges to create those same feelings and emotions that keep us locked in a pattern of behavior.
So if we're constantly complaining about being stuck or negatively affected by the behavior of others, or giving in to self-limiting beliefs, the more stuck and 'victim-like' we feel.
Can you control others?
Nope.
Can you control yourself and the way you respond to others?
Absolutely.
3. Say thanks
From this point, dive into a serious gratitude practice.
Yes, it's a little 'woo' but it works, and we all need it.
What's great in your life? Are you healthy? Do you have a roof over your head?
Can you order a tequila in three languages?
Do you have people you love, and who love you?
That's your starting point. Gratitude is your first basis for change and growth. Go deep here. Tell yourself what you're grateful for.
4. Get out. Have fun.
See, there are different schools of thought here. Yes, you could sit down in this gloomy mental space you're in and start deep-diving into the root causes of your “meh” feeling. But personally, I think there's a lot to be said for bringing a little fun and energy back into your life first.
We need to get back to the essence of who we really are, to work out what's wrong and where we need to go. Without the energy to rebuild our self-confidence, it's hard to even conceive of our core personal values, goals and directions that resonate with our true potential and power! After all, how can you envisage starting your secret passion business when you're still in bed, doom-scrolling on social media?
Get dressed.
You've been wearing that washed-out gray potato-y colored t-shirt for a while now right? I mean, I'm not knocking potato-y beige, it's very... demurrrrre. But I think there's a color you love that your soul is crying out for.
What shade makes your heart sing? I don't care what the Color Rules lady said about your palette, I mean, what makes you feel JOY every time you look at it?
Pick that color and get it into your outfit. A slick of glorious citrus nail polish. A jade green bead necklace. A no apologies crimson lip balm. Put on your face. OR DON'T! We're not judging.
Just... make yourself feel good and then get out of that door. While you're out there do at least one of these things:
Start a conversation with a stranger. Say hello at the very least. Fall short of getting a visit from your friendly local police officer, but see if you can create a connection with someone surprising. The stressed-looking mom in front of you at the coffee shop. The older guy with the dog, checking up on the neighborhood every morning. See where that takes you.
Catch up with an old friend. In person, for extra points. On Zoom, if your old friend inconveniently decided to live in another time zone.
Go on a fast walk somewhere with a great view. Whether that's a national park, or through town to a busy spot where you love the buzz. Don't overthink it, just get some energy flowing.
Book something fun. A meal, a dance class, an exhibition. Just, shake it up a little. Find something that will make you smile. Again, don't obsess. You're not setting the course of the rest of your life. You're just having some fun and connecting with what brings you joy.
5. Deep breath. Deep dive.
OK, you've accepted that you're feeling stuck in a rut and have thanked it for tripping you up and bringing you back to reality. So now start to tackle what's causing the issues.
If you have written goals, go back and assess them. If you have situations in your life that are causing you issues, identify them and consider how they make you feel. If you have a quiet little dream in the back of your mind that you're not quite brave enough to tackle yet... write it down. Take that step.
Think about the things you can affect and the things you can't.
This is a great point to start a journal. You can doodle, draw, write, or whatever. But do it with a pen and paper ideally. Research suggests that this works on the brain differently from typing.
6. Baby steps
Bear in mind that the whole concept of life evaluation and goal setting is so daunting that many people put it off altogether. And that's OK too.
If you hate the enormity of this, just take a breath and relax. Maybe write down a few things that are bugging you. Then think about whether you can control them. If you can't, try to put them to one side for a bit, so they affect you less. If you can control them, and they are important to you, prioritize these things.
You might feel that you need some help at this stage too, which is a great realization. Again, we don't need answers straight away.
Be open to the fact you are planning your rich, beautiful, and complex life, and as such, you're not going to do it with the speed and efficiency of a weekly grocery list.
But what you might do is:
Find some books to help you, on topics such as mindset, midlife change, career development, menopause nutrition, fitness, and lifestyle optimization. Get the knowledge, get the power!
Look into joining (or creating) a like-minded community of women experiencing similar things such as The Trybe Women’s Social Club.
Start being open to trying new things, learning new ideas, taking on new attitudes, and adopting that famous growth mindset that brings us into a position of constant, welcome development and evolution. Damn! I don't know about you, but this suddenly feels exciting!
6. Talk: friends, therapists, dogs.
You might also, frankly, decide to see a therapist to help you tackle some of the bigger, deeper issues that might be keeping you in a rut. And by therapist, I mean anyone with a skill for non-judgemental listening. There are wise people everywhere who can help guide you forward, with their loving concern, open attitude, and knack for supportive wisdom.
It helps to listen too. Often, fresh perspectives can kick-start an entirely new line of thinking and action that we'd never considered. It's amazing too how chance connections kick-start exciting new directions in our lives. And this takes us to our final point.
7. Relax about feeling stuck in a rut. Change is coming.
You're in midlife, and you're temporarily feeling stuck in a rut. It's not the end of the road. Life is cyclical and it constantly reinvents. As with any transition, it's right to expect a little pain. A little challenge. That's OK, that's how we grow.
In midlife, we get the chance to get pretty real about our lives, our possibilities, and our power, which may well be hidden deep in our souls, but make no mistake; it's there, and we owe it to ourselves to find it.
Life has a funny way of stripping back the false priorities of our lives and forcing us to start becoming the people we were meant to be.
So if you're stuck in a rut, don't stress. You're here for a reason. Seen philosophically, the rut is actually your friend.
The road tripped you up because it saw you floating along with your head up your backside. The road wanted to remind you that YOUR path is a choice, and there are so many forks ahead to choose from.
Your next act is coming. You may not know what it is yet. You may not know who is accompanying you there yet. But if you sit with it a while, you'll feel that sense of excitement about your life returning.
That little spark of the person you really are, and really want to be. The rut saw you coming, and it's there to show you all the possible forks in the road.
Are you ready?
About the Author
Angela Caveney, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist, Neuropsychologist and Founder of The Trybe. Her absolute favorite thing to do is to help women find their people and thrive throughout midlife. She can be reached directly at angela@the-trybe.com
(*Note. If The Trybe Women's Social Club is not in your location, reach out to Angela Caveney to start a conversation about creating a club where you live. Even if you don't know a single person in your new city, don't worry! This is a great way to start to meet new people fast.)
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